Thanks to my colleague, Andy Schultz, who emailed this to me today. I love it.
Dear Pat Robertson,
I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action.
But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher.
The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamor, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle.
Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.
You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad.
Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.
Chicago winters never bothered me. I figured the people who complained about winter were the same people who complained about taxes and Mayor Daley. Complainers. Yeah.
Then I had kids. Changed my whole outlook on all of the above.
Winter isn’t so wonderful when you’re wrestling two kids into down-coats, balaclavas, mittens and boots at 6:50 a.m. five days a week. And that’s before you have to transport them across an icy courtyard, down icy sidewalks and over snow drifts in order to get to your car that is parked on the street a block away.
But even that exercise pales in comparison to spending weekend after winter weekend cooped up in an (almost) 1,000 sq. ft. condo with a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old because it’s just too cold to go outside (8 degrees when I went to Dunkin’ Donuts this morning). Making it through a winter weekend in Chicago with two kids requires forethought and perseverance. And a little money doesn’t hurt, although there are plenty of inexpensive options.
Without further ado, here are five things we’ve done recently that the kids thought were pretty cool:
1. Shrinky Dinks
Remember these? I hadn’t thought about Shrinky Dinks for 30 years until I saw them in my all-time-favorite store, Amazon.com. Coloring and shrinking was good for about an hour’s worth of enjoyment. Liam sat in front of the oven window, rapt, while the “dinks” shrunk to about 1/4 of their original size. Cost: $6. Worth every penny.
2. Dress Up
Yep. It still works. Whatever you have around will work as long as you don’t try to control the process. Ruairi and Liam regularly employ my wardrobe and Patrick’s. Props, such as wooden spoons, a potato masher and a vacuum cleaner hose can complete an outfit. Along with a cape and, perhaps, underpants on the outside. The ensemble here includes Sponge-Bob pajamas, balaclavas, mittens and firefighter helmets. Notice the Lincoln Logs that double as fire-hoses. Cost: Free
3. Lincoln Logs
And speaking of Lincoln Logs, notice the fortress here. Sure I built most of it, but Liam placed the soldiers. Behold, the most secure log cabin ever, guarded by military, a police car, even a London taxi. Tinker Toys and Legos work just as well. Interactive, indoor fun with no electricity, modems or monitors needed. Cost: Free
4. Winter Wonderfest
Winter Wonderfest on Navy Pier is what Go Bananas should be, but never will be. The massive, indoor winter/Christmas festival held during December has carnival rides, an ice-skating rink, sno-cones and cookie-decorating workshops. Oh, and clean bathrooms, helpful employees, and immaculate, well-maintained rides. The price might be prohibitive, but it was a nice splurge for us. Cost: $64, includes parking and four wristbands (does not include ice-skating).
5. Poopin’ Pets Candy Dispenser
Lowest-common-denominator? Uh, yes. Fun? Also, yes. Especially if you’re a 4-year-old boy. Who needs PEZ? Any excuse to talk about poop, even EAT poop, rocks! One of Patrick’s colleagues sent these home with him (thanks Val!) and the boys loved them. Check out the video, below, to see a reindeer poop.
For us, 2009 ended much as it began: with snow and coats and hoods and mittens. On St. Stephan’s day, Ruairi and Liam were big enough to shovel us out.
A few days later, clad in SpongeBob SquarePants pajamas, they decided being a firefighter was a better option; even if the fire hose was really a Lincoln Log. Being a firefighter is a recurring theme with these two.
Firefighters
What a blast … the have your whole life in front of you, all options still on the table!
